Got Kitties in my G-String Ain't No Thang

Family dinner conversation often goes like this:


"I’d just stand up there and throw cats at them.”

-Me, on how fantastic of a stripper I would be

“You train those cats yourself.”
-My sister

“I trained my pussies myself.”
-Me

“They talk this way because they listen to rap."
-My dad

Celebrating Memorial Day

Memorial Day is no longer a day to honor America's veterans; it's not that we've let the terrorists or the heathens or consumerism win - it's that we've let our stupidity win.

It's the holiday that falls just on the cusp of summer, the warm weather making people feel invincible, when in reality most of us are out of practice and out of shape due to long winters and school being in session. We think we can climb up on the roof and patch it up. We think we can play soccer.  We think we can go fishing.  We think we can man huge manly pits of fire.  We think we can deal with the in-laws. And we think we can do it all while drinking heavily.


That's what Memorial Day is all about: doing dangerous household projects and then celebrating by charring half of a cow and opening a Bud Lite.


All of these factors make it an exciting day to work in the ER.


My new position within the hospital is at ER Registration. When someone comes into the hospital waving around a severed finger in a plastic bag, I am the first person who gets to see that finger. I am also not the correct person to show that finger to. All I really need is some basic demographic information, and then the triage nurse will come and examine that severed finger and the hand it was once attached to.  Many people who come into the ER don't understand that all I need is a general condition and area. Think you have a kidney stone? I'm going to type in FLANK PAIN. Throwing up? I'm going to type in SICK. An embarrassing device stuck on your penis? I'm going to type in PENIS PAIN.


My coworkers warned me that Memorial Day was a happening day in the ER, which I should have deduced upon seeing that Monday was heavily reinforced on the schedule.  Indeed, the day brought in all kinds of accidents from broken bones to burns to giant fish hooks lodged in flesh.  The worst was a nail gun accident, where a nail had been lodged in the patient's eye - painful enough just to imagine.


Next Memorial Day, stay inside. Lock your doors. Do nothing.


I wonder what the Forth of July will bring.